Friday, March 24, 2006

I have never...


...been hospitalized overnight in my life!!! Never!!!

Well, save when I was born. I guess that's the only time the hospital... ANY hospital ever kept my butt overnight.

I just don't trust them. I mean, I've been shot at and broke my shoulders (that's a long and humorous story), broke my fingers and toes (another funny one someday), had pneumonia so many times I forgot, had exotic flues, had food poisoning, was bitten by a pretty rugged friggin' spider (it's in the blog... the Hobo spider)... made my flesh fall off and ulcerated my leg like there's no tomorrow, was in a car wreck that killed two other guys and caused the faulty driver of the other car to lose both of his legs, knocked myself out with a tire iron and got a concussion (another story... FUNNY AS HELL!)... a whole buncha crap! My body's a mess but it's my body! That's the trade off for work hard, play hard!

I accept that.

Yesterday I went to my local health provider clinic thingy and asked if they'd take a peek at my swollen knuckles... the arthritic knuckles... those knuckles that hurt but have some annoying "growths" around them.

I went in there and of course they weighed me. Not bad... could have been a bit better but I was okay with it. Then they did the blood pressure thing... THREE times!

What the hell does blood pressure have to do with lumps around my knuckles???

Anyways, the nurse wasn't happy. She was gonna snitch me off to the doctor. She told me I needed to get "moderated" and suggested I call "the wife" (who has no idea what happened) to let her know I was going to be "admitted" to "the hospital" across the street.

MY ASS!!!


As she sauntered off she told me the physician's assistant would be taking care of my knuckles. She also told me she was going to return to do the blood pressure thingy again on me after the PA was done. She said if it hadn't fallen then she was going to bring the doc in... my doc... Mr. Bedside Manner challenged doc... (I guess that's why I stay with him... he tells it like it is) and was going to recommend a "stay" in the hospital.

She left.

Physician's Assistant arrived... looked at my knuckles... ganglion cysts caused by the joints irritable states... no problem... draw off the "fluids"... done. Simple as that. A bit of a pain though but done.

I asked PA... "am I free to go?"

Prisoner?... no!

"Sure" he said. "They're going to come back though... the cysts"

"Okay. Thanks. I'll check back in when they do" and I make a beeline for the door!

When I got home the nurse called. I beat "the wife" home...

"Mr. H. You left before I could get back to you with Doctor B about your 'condition'."

"Oh. 'Condition'? What would that be?"

She went off on a thousand different things. I needed to be hospitalized, I needed this, I needed that, CRAP!

All I know is I'm doing fine now.

And I'm not going to be hospitalized overnight until I'm ready to check out.

That's appropriate... hospitalized when you check in to this world... hospitalized when you check out.

The knuckles "filled back up" an hour after I got home.

touche!

5 comments:

Ed said...

I don't blame you. I've only been hospitalised once (for appendicitis). Not recommended.

Sunshine said...

But what did J say about this... I know if it were us, I would be marching Ed back down the the docs post haste....

Seriously though, sorry that your knuckles were not helped by the proceedure.. my knuckles are quite painful at the moment - it must be catching!!!

Cathy said...

What is it about men and their dislike of doctors and hospitals? Did you even ask her what your blood pressure reading was?

Here is hoping your heart can take a lickin and keep on tickin!

DG said...

DH... Quit being a pussy and get the BP checked out before it checks you out.

Suck it up...

Be a man...

But fight the hospital...

D. H. said...

Ed- Trust me... the only hospitalization I'll do will be hiding out in a motel somewhere with a bottle of Wild Turkey or some good Merlot... and "The Wife"... if she'll go along with the plan.

Sue- J's insisting I go back to those people. This insistence is humorous at best coming from her, the very person in this world who is most likely to avoid any doctor's visit... let alone hospitalization. So her threats are somewhat idle to me in this particular area.

Cathy- I saw the blood pressure... three times. It was high... very, very high but I knew why. Coffee in the morning, wine the night before, anxiety because I was about to get my knuckles roto-rooted, etc. I just didn't expect them to take it this time and I didn't expect it to be that high... so I'll be a bit more careful before I go back there for tests or "stuff" in the future.

DG- Yah. Like I told Cathy... I'm pretty darned sure I know why it was sitting where it was... and I've already started changing things re: coffee consumption, diet, etc. Trust me, it scared me but not enough for a single bed and a buncha people in smocks wandering around poking and prodding things. Besides... I won't do bedpans!

Nope... no hospital.